Monday, March 31, 2008


Recently, my e-mail address was added on to some sort of mailing list for Liberals. Each day, would bring me the latest Leftist screeds. Occasionally, I'd ask these people, who were they and how did they get my e-mail address? But they'd just ignore my queries.

But then, I did something that they could not just let stand. I responded to their harangues and their polemics. None of them actually rebutted my points. No, that would not be playing by the rules of the Angry Left. What I got back were accusations, obscenities, vitriol, invective, and virulent denunciation.

In short, they responded the way a monkey in the zoo would to provocation: they hurled their own feces at me.

One of these Liberals thought to ask me what I thought a Liberal was. I'm sure she was trying to make some point about my ignorance or something, but I took the challenge and made a list of some twenty five points describing a Liberal.

This was promptly followed by a challenge to define a Conservative, with the smug suggestion that I would be unable to do so. Within a few minutes, I fired off twenty five points describing a Conservative.

I now await the monkeys and their hurled feces. Good thing I've got a good rain coat!

At any rate, I'd thought my readers might enjoy a glimpse into the workings of my thoughts. Therefore, listed below, are the twenty-five definitions of a Liberal and of a Conservative, with my thanks to Jeff Foxworthy, since I sort of borrowed his style. Enjoy!

You might be a Liberal if:

  1. You believe that woman's right to choose trumps a baby's right to live.

  2. You believe that the only choice to allow an individual is to kill an unborn child or to choose a sexually deviant lifestyle.

  3. You do not believe in the right to choose to keep and bear arms.

  4. You do not believe in the right for an individual to keep the money he earns without it being confiscated through the tax system and redistributed through the welfare system.

  5. You believe that government is the answer to all mankind's problems, not the source of most of them.

  6. You believe that Marxism has gotten a bad rap.

  7. You believe that the only reason Islamo-fascists hate us is because we support Israel.

  8. You believe that Islam is a "religion of peace" but Christians are murderous cretins.

  9. You believe that Democrats never lose elections, they have them stolen from them.

  10. You believe that the only rational response to someone who disagrees with you is to curse him out, question his motives, or call him a fascist.

  11. You think that limited government equals fascism.

  12. You believe that government should stay out of the bedroom, except to mandate what light bulbs and what toilets we can use.

  13. You believe that there is no difference between an animal and a human being.

  14. You believe that your ideology automatically makes you a better person.

  15. You believe that guns and poverty cause crime, rather than immorality, criminal coddling courts and unarmed citizens.

  16. You believe it is charitable to confiscate property and wealth from those who've earned it and who own it in order to give it to those who have done neither.

  17. You believe that it is morally superior to clone aborted babies for their stem cells rather than to use adult stem cells, even though the only cures discovered thus far came from adult stem cells with no dead babies.

  18. You believe it is more proper to send our troops into places that have no national interests at stake than to actually defend American interests. Oil, by the way is the engine of our prosperity and, therefore, a national interest.

  19. You think that the ideal population of the world should be about 1/5th what it is, and that the rest should die, leaving enlightened Liberals to live as they think they should.

  20. You think that the Pope and Evangelical Christians are more of a threat than the Islamo-fascists who want to bring us back to the 6th or 7th Century through rape murder and intimidation, all with the approval of the Qu'ran.
  21. .
    You think that Muslim terrorists are freedom fighters on a par with George Washington, even though they reject every aspect of freedom.

  22. You actually believe that John Kerry was a war hero, and that Ted Kennedy has the moral authority to condemn waterboarding. Here's a little joke for you: What's the difference between John Kerry and Ted Kennedy? Ted Kennedy has a confirmed kill!

  23. You think that No Child Left Behind was a Conservative scam, even though it was largely written by Ted Kennedy.

  24. You think that Bill Clinton was railroaded, but Larry Craig should be hung.

  25. You think that the Constitution really doesn't mean what it says, that we can make it say whatever we (by "we" I mean Liberals) want it to say. This is otherwise known as "The Living Constitution". Try playing a game of Monopoly, for instance, if the rule book is suddenly "living". You won't get very far, would you?

Now then, what does it mean to be a Conservative?

You might be a Conservative if:

  1. You read the Constitution in the plain English it was written in, rather than the legalese preferred by folks like Souter, Breyer, Kennedy, and Ginsberg.

  2. You think that government is far too big and intrusive, and mostly in violation of the Tenth Amendment.

  3. You believe charity is only virtuous when it is with your own money and voluntary, rather than someone else's confiscated through the tax code.

  4. You look at America, recognize its faults and the errors of its ways, and still believe that America is the best damn country to have ever appeared on this good Earth.

  5. You believe that the only proper gun control law is the one that repeals all gun control laws.

  6. You believe that keeping the government out of the bedroom doesn't mean we have to give equal time to deviant sexual behavior.

  7. You believe that health care is a product, not a right, and that the free market is the only way to bring down health care costs.

  8. You look to real scientists (Robert Felix, Roy Spencer and Tim Ball come to mind) for information about climate change, rather than the bitter loser of a very close election who tried to use the courts to steal the White House.

  9. You understand exactly why the Constitution provides for the Electoral College, and you approve.

  10. You know the difference between amending the Constitution and violating it through creative readings by the Supreme Court.

  11. You look at a tax rate (anyone's, at any income level) and think it's just too high.

  12. You understand that bureaucrats serve the same role in society that parasites do in Nature. The suck of the life essence of the host and return nothing -- NOTHING -- of value.

  13. You hear Chuck Schumer talk about his "passion to legislate" and all you hear are your Liberties going down the tubes.

  14. You know that the things Liberals think are torture are only things that many people derive deviant sexual pleasure from, and you don't understand why one is torture and the other is merely a "lifestyle choice".

  15. You believe that an unborn child has more claim to the right to life than a condemned murderer.

  16. You recognize that there is, indeed, a difference between "killing" and "murdering", and that one is immoral and the other is sometimes necessary.

  17. You look at America's meat industry, and marvel that it is able to feed so many millions of people for so little expense.

  18. You know that mankind is just not big enough to impact the Earth in any serious fashion, and, even if we can, we're not doing anything different than any other species that evolved on Earth: change the environment, wipe out some species, make new homes for other newer species.

  19. You know that, if you want to save an endangered species, advertise that it tastes good. (See "America's meat industry")

  20. You truly believe in choice: choice of what light bulb to use, choice of what to eat, where to live, what to drive, how much energy you use, what to own and use to defend yourself, what to do with your own property, where to send your kids to school, what your schools teach your kids, what charities you want to give to, what to listen to on the radio, what to read, etc.

  21. You believe that Freedom also means you have to put up with things you don't like -- Liberals, for instance. Liberals, on the other hand, think that disagreeing with them is hate speech and should be made illegal.

  22. You know that racism is both wrong and stupid, and that's why you oppose affirmative action.

  23. You know that "separation of church and state" really isn't in the Constitution and that the Establishment Clause was meant to protect religion from government, rather than to protect government from religion.

  24. You don't confuse the Boy Scouts with a right wing paramilitary group with tendencies toward fascism.

  25. You can actually have a debate with a Liberal without once cursing him out, questioning his motives, or calling him a fascist.
Well, that's it for tonight, folks! Who knows what tomorrow will bring. As you know, we here at Montag's World pride ourselves at goring more sacred cows than a drunken cab driver in Mumbai!

Copyright March 31st, 2008


Anonymous said...

There is also a long list of "you're a conservative if..." on the internet too. If you happen reading it and finding that it's totally absurd, then you should take a 2nd look at YOUR list because it's equally STUPID.

Montag said...

There are two principle differences here, Anonymous:

1. I wrote my own lists, whereas you had to note someone else's

2. I can have a reasoned debate without childish name-calling. You, on the other hand, don't seem quite as able.